This Time, It's Personal

195

2012-01-15T12:11:00.001-06:00

Yup, an even 195 this morning. I've been trying to eat well, and I'm doing a pretty good job keeping the soda monster at bay. Now that I'm getting back into a gym routine, I'll be able to up the intensity this week, and hopefully that will translate into some more pounds gone.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

2012-01-08T09:29:00.002-06:00

196.8 this morning, down from 198.8 (as I forgot to mention in my previous post). Water weight? Totally. Still, I'll take it. Every time that number goes down, it's a little spark of motivation to make it go down again.

So far today, I've had a cup of oatmeal with a 2 tsp. of brown sugar. I work at 1 this afternoon, so I've got plenty of time to get to the gym before that. I don't have an lunch plans, since I'll be at work and not all that hungry, but I'm going to have to think up some dinner when I get home from work.

Be safe out there today!

The view's pretty nice up here...

2012-01-05T16:26:00.002-06:00

...since I'm back in the saddle again!

Yup, hit the gym today, planning three more days, then day of rest on Monday. I've had ONE Pepsi today, and water is the beverage of choice the rest of the night.

I'm not perfect. I didn't hit my original goal. Too bad, so sad.

Not gonna cry over it this time. I'm just getting back on the horse.

197.8

2011-04-14T14:38:00.003-05:00

Yup. 197.8 is my current weight. I've regained almost half of what I lost. Am I mad at myself? Hell yes, I'm mad. There's no one here to blame but me. I got lazy, stopped going to the gym, stayed lazy, stayed away from the gym.

I went back today, finally. 1.5 miles on the treadmill at a speed of 3.0, incline of 2.0, and 1.5 miles on the elliptical. I'm going to hurt in the morning.

It's not enough, nowhere near enough, but I started. Now I just have to keep going.

No more giving up on myself. I'M NOT HOPELESS.

Letting Myself Down

2010-09-02T20:25:00.008-05:00

Yup, I did. I've let myself down.

I don't think I need to really explain how...the date of my last post speaks for itself. You'll remember I was about to go back to the gym. I was over my cold, I was less worried about my wonky hip, I was ready. I went, too. Once.

Once, back in May. I honestly can't even remember what stopped me from going back the next day. Did I actually have a good reason (work, unbreakable engagement)? Did I think I deserved a day off, simply for getting back on the wagon? I just don't remember. But you know, I doubt there was a good reason. I'll bet I just got lazy again.

It's easy to be lazy, as I'm sure a lot of you know. In the end, though...the price of laziness is so high.

I've broken almost every rule I set for myself in the beginning. I shy away from conversations about exercise and weight loss, so no one can ask me about mine. I ran away from this blog, that I promised myself I would update at least once a week. I haven't been tracking my progress, because I haven't been making any.

Well, at least I'm being honest with myself again. I once said, "Until I believe that I deserve it, it will not come." Ain't that the truth. I guess, deep down inside where all this hurts so much, I'm not ready to have this yet.

Why? Why am I lazy? Why can't I work for what I want? Why WON'T I? What the hell is wrong with me? When it hurts this much to do nothing, why can't I do SOMETHING?

Why can't I do this?

On Setbacks and Such

2010-05-20T08:26:00.002-05:00

This place looks vaguely familiar...like I've been here before...?

So, I fell off the face of the earth for awhile, it would seem. You all remember the monster cold I had, which seemed like it was never going away. Turns out, the last two weeks I was complaining about were the result of allergies. Apparently you can develop them as you get older, isn't that lovely?

Once that was figured out, that's when my hip went south on me. It's been an ongoing problem for a few years now. Every so often, I'll try to take a step, and my right hip will feel like it's about to pop out of the socket. It never does, but it's an exceptionally painful feeling. After that happens, I spend the rest of the day feeling like the joint is full of rusty nails. This last time was one of the worst, because it kept happening, and I was in this pain for over two weeks.

The mistake I made was letting it stop me. "How can I use an elliptical like this?" "What happens if it 'goes out' while I'm running on the treadmill?" I don't know the answers to those questions, because I didn't even try to find out. I nursed my wounds, folded up my gym clothes and waited. Waited for the pain to stop.

Here's the funny thing about that. You've all heard the expression "no pain, no gain", right? Seems I forgot that one. Maybe, instead of moping and hurting, I should have been out there, working through the pain, trying to take off some more of the weight that's aggravating the joint, hm? We're talking Body 101 here. Excess weight is a leading cause of joint pain. I didn't have this hip problem back at 125 pounds. I have it now, at 188. How is it that something so simple, so crystal clear, was beyond me?

Well, no more. Tomorrow, at 11:30am, my ass is going to be in the gym. I'm going to pay for this month off, too. I'm going to pay for letting myself off easy. Most of all, I'm going to pay for thinking that it would be okay to take the time off. This is my LIFE, goddamnit, and I owe it to myself to be the person I want to be.

On the upside? Maintenance, baby! I'm still at 188 pounds.

Maybe all isn't lost after all...

Still here, really!

2010-04-01T00:11:00.002-05:00

Yup, I'm still kicking. That cold I mentioned? It's *still* not totally gone. I'm desperate to go back to the gym, but I can't keep my nose from running! I'm trying to devise a way to smuggle kleenex with me on the treadmill, but I can't figure out what I'd do with the used ones!

I'm hoping I can make it back on Friday. Wish me luck, because when I do get back, it's going to hurt, and plenty.

I wonder...

2010-03-21T22:02:00.002-05:00

Specifically, I wonder if getting healthy will help me avoid getting my yearly cold. I thought I might have escaped this year, but no such luck. Things are okay right now, but I dread the scale next week...I don't know when I'll be able to breathe well enough to hit the gym again!

Highest weight: 209
Previous weight: 189
Current weight: 188

I'm just going to try to keep eating well (when I can manage to eat, that is), and try to get back to it as soon as possible.

Too Soon?

2010-03-14T23:12:00.003-05:00

I haven't the faintest idea what it's like to hit a weight-loss plateau.

I've never tried losing weight before I started this trip. I've heard of the plateau, of course...the idea that you get "stuck" at a certain weight for an unusual period of time, even though you're continuing to eat well and exercise. However, it's not something I've personally experienced.

Until now?

Note the question mark. I'm still at the same 189 pounds I was at this time last week. Plateauing? Maintaining? I have no idea. I just know I'm tired of this number, and I'm ready to see a different one. It seems to be time for some more serious changes.

Sure, I go to the gym. Right now, I seem to average about four days a week. Somehow, I don't think that's good enough anymore. My excuses seem weaker every time I use them.

I need to start eating better. I do pretty well with meals and portions, but I need to get snacks under control. Doritos aren't worth it.

Milestone!

2010-03-07T11:20:00.003-06:00

Today rocks.

I'm not scale obsessed or anything, but I hop on more often than my Wednesday updates would have you believe.

Now, onto why today rocks:

Highest weight: 209
Previous weight: 190
Current weight: 189

Twenty pounds, folks! That's almost 10 percent of my weight, and it's gone! I can't remember the last time I was in the 180's, and it's great to be here, especially knowing it'll be a short stay, so long as I keep it together.

Just Goes To Show

2010-03-03T09:58:00.002-06:00

Previous weight: 190 lbs.
Current weight: 190 lbs.

Am I frustrated right now? You're damn right I am. My body is struggling valiantly against my brain, but it's in danger of losing. I spent this entire last week doing a fabulous job at the gym, just to see...nothing. It would certainly appear to be nothing, right?

Upon closer inspection, I see a few things. I see three "convenient" meals (read: they came from a drive-thru), an entire night on the couch watching reruns, and a whole lot of rationalizing why these things are okay. Everything's okay in moderation, I know...but moderation is the key word. I just watched myself fight and struggle against the garbage I ate, only to maintain. It's terrific that I didn't gain, but that's not what I'm trying to do here.

The Stuff Dreams Are Made Of

2010-02-24T20:48:00.003-06:00

Previous weight: 192
Current weight: 190

Yup, that's worth big letters and pretty colors! Those two pounds represent my biggest loss yet!

Pretty cool, considering I've missed two days at the gym this week, between migraine and transportation issues. It's strange to feel this excited about something. Excitement isn't usually a big part of my life these days. I'm a pretty low-key person by nature. I suppose I can say I always have been, whether I wanted to or not.

Because this is about honesty, I should explain that. Ever since I can remember, I've felt out of place almost everywhere. I don't know exactly when I started feeling inferior to everyone around me, but I can't remember NOT feeling that way. I know I'm socially awkward, and I feel like I never know what to say, but I used to able to deal with that. I used to be quirky, clever, sarcastic, and sometimes just bold and brassy. Silly, maybe...but it covered up the awkwardness. Once I put on all this weight, though, I felt like I'd never be able to overcome what I saw as an obvious deficit. So I withdrew.

Withdrew? Hell, I dug a hole, climbed in, and pulled it in after me. I just shut down. Lately, though, I've been a little different.

The progress I've seen seems to be having an effect on me. I've been talking about it, which is huge for me. Usually, wild horses can't drag personal information out of me, but now I have something to be proud of.

Me. Proud. Of myself. Wow, man. Just wow. Who knew?

Looking Back

2010-02-21T22:29:00.002-06:00

Not that I have all that far to look...

Anyway, I was thinking about this lifestyle change I'm trying to accomplish, and I was wondering how I got from there to here. I haven't gotten all that far yet, but this is still the biggest change I've ever made in myself.

December 17, 2009, I weighed 209 pounds. I know this because the nice lady at the doctor's office was kind enough to share. Also, because I'm not blind. When the big slider moves past the 200 mark, nothing good can come of it. 209 pounds is the heaviest I have ever been, but I wasn't all that concerned by it then, or in the weeks following. When I went back to the doctor two weeks later, on December 31, 2009, that big slider didn't go as far. It was stopped at 150, with the smaller increment slider taking up the slack, bringing the total to 199 pounds.

How in the hell that happened, I'll never know. What I do know, looking back, is what that felt like. I'd been hovering around 210 for at least a year, and just like that, I was back under the 200 mark. This, I decided, was most severely cool. I'd really like to see more of this. I thought about it a lot over the next two weeks. I wanted what Tyler had. (Been reading him since the Consumerist story, and though he'll probably never know it, he's a big part of how I got here.) I wanted to feel beautiful. I wanted a better shot at having kids. I wanted it all, really. All the good, and all the simple joy that comes with health.

By January 17th, I'd made up my mind that it was time to take some action. I can't count on accidental weight loss, even if that's what started all this. I needed to get to work. I needed goals, I needed a plan, and I needed to move my ass.

It's been a long time since I've been proud of myself...and it feels better than anything I can imagine.

Quick Hit

2010-02-17T07:32:00.003-06:00

It's been a good week.

Previous weight: 193
Current weight: 192

I've learned a lot of little things lately. One can of Pepsi (oh, sweet elixir!) is equivalent to 40 minutes of my time on the treadmill. Notice I say "equivalent", not "worth". That's NOT worth it. If I have to work that hard just to UNDO what a can of sugar water does to me, that sugar water isn't worth it. It provides me with nothing but caffeine, which I could get just as easily from coffee, with less than half the calories.

An even sillier realization? That sugar water costs me $5 a case. I can have all the coffee I want, unless I start an IV of it, free. Just one of the perks of being a coffee jockey. Quitting the Pepsi addiction could wholly subsidize my new gym addiction.

Now, what's the better expenditure?

Tales From the Torture Chamber

2010-02-10T21:42:00.003-06:00

Well, that's an exaggeration. Not by much, though!

Having never been to a gym before, I wasn't prepared for what an elliptical machine can put you through. I was able to make it for 25 minutes, though, and I felt great. I did another 25 minutes on the recumbent bike, too.

I felt terrific when I got home. Took a shower, made food for our little Superbowl party, and bounced around the house like a four year old on Pixie Sticks. Best Sunday ever, judging by how amazing I felt.

Then came Monday. My Monday morning started at 7am, when my alarm went off. I shut it off, and attempted the always-successful-before "swing the legs out of bed and stand on them" maneuver, wherein I fell flat on my face. With God as my witness, I have never face-planted like that in my life, and as most of you know, I used to be a heavy drinker. My legs were burning stakes of nonsupporting fire. Seems that my calf muscles, which I had believed to be among the strongest I have, were reduced to nothing by that elliptical.

I've been limping my way around since then, though today I'm noticing less pain, finally. Enough that I'm going to be back in the gym tomorrow...and possibly taking a different approach to cardio!

Krista: Thanks for the tip! I've been thinking about getting a gym bag so I could go straight from work...stopping at home gives me too much temptation to latch onto the couch.

*Update*

My inactivity over the last three days has cost me, big time.

Previous Weight: 192 Lbs.
Current Weight: 193 Lbs.

Yup, that's me gaining a pound back. Is it okay? I suppose so, because it just shows me the good of exercise, and the pitfalls of NOT doing it. I know there will be times I falter, and times I fail. It's what I do about it that matters. I can't change the past, but I'll be meeting up with my future tomorrow afternoon at the gym.

Good Morning World!

2010-02-07T08:19:00.002-06:00

Today is a big day. January 17, 2010 was the day that changed my life. I finally told myself the truth, and in doing so, I passed it on here. Even if another person never reads this (though I'm amazed and grateful for the support of the one person who has), I'm accountable to something.

Ready for this one? I'M GOING TO THE GYM TODAY!

Stopped at Cardinal Fitness the other day, took a quick tour, and signed up on the spot. I know if I'd gone away to think about it, I'd have talked myself out of it. After all, I know how I am.

Or, how I used to be. I'm not that person anymore.

Checking In

2010-02-03T23:04:00.001-06:00

Nothing exciting to report, lost another pound, bringing me to 192.

Still thinking about that gym membership. Mostly just trying to gather up the balls to walk into the place.

Happy With Bad Decisions?

2010-01-31T22:24:00.004-06:00

Today was a less than stellar day.

For some reason, I find it impossible to convince myself to exercise when I have a closing shift. I seem to have this preconceived notion that I'm supposed to be lazy until I have to get ready for work. That's not exactly it, but it's as close as I can come to it in words.

I have a lot of those slightly off concepts, though. That's part of what I'm working to change. I've conquered the cold, and that was a big one. I'm still thinking about a gym membership, though. Nothing big, maybe something month-to-month, like Cardinal Fitness. I suspect that my everlasting cheap nature might help me there, since to not use a service I'm paying for is wasting money, something I just don't do.

Back to the point, though. I have always had a "closing laziness". I've always figured, "Ah, what the hell...one can't hurt". Instead of accepting the obvious, which is "I need to exercise", I fall for these silly little reasons not to, and then subsequently feel so bad about it, I make awful food choices to go along with it.

I need to break this cycle. I have to make myself understand that even when I do slip up, all is not lost. Missing a workout is pretty bad, but cupcakes and vanilla bean scones sure won't make it better.

This is a new feeling

2010-01-28T19:01:00.001-06:00

I'm proud of myself today! Despite a stated temperature of 12 degrees (feels like -1 with the wind, thanks for that info WBBM), I went walking for 20 minutes.

Weather isn't an excuse anymore. Not when you have a suede-and-faux-fur hat with earflaps, that is!

I've heard of baby steps, but this is ridiculous!

2010-01-27T09:14:00.000-06:00

Good morning, world!

After a week and a half, you'd think I'd have something pretty great to show for myself.

Instead, I have some humbling little factoids. (The first time I typed that, I typed it as "fatoids"...Dr. Freud, is that you??)

Starting weight: 194
Today's weight: 193

Pounds lost to date: 1

Days exercised last week: 5 of 7
Lame excuses made for why I didn't exercise: 2

Last Wednesday, Jeff and I had to go see my mother-in-law. For some reason, this gave me an excuse not to work out. Last Sunday, I worked a joyously short shift, it was raining, and I opted for a nap. So not only did I not exercise, I wasted half a day.

5 out of 7 is the equivalent of 71%. If I showed up at work, and did 71% of my job for a week, I might get away with it once. I probably have enough excuses in my repertoire to deflect suspicion and scorn. Any longer than a week, and barring injury or illness, Gina and I will have a "talk" about my performance. If it kept happening, far enough down the road, I wouldn't have a job to do only 71% of anymore.

Before I float away on this truthful but distracted tide, I need to say this. If I continue doing only 71% of what I need to make myself healthy, I will fail. If I continue doing it long enough, my body will use up all my excuses, and I will ultimately die painfully, riddled with illness, long before I rightfully should. The human body is pretty resilient, but even it has limits.

If I don't get my shit together, I am dooming myself to a shortened life, full of misery I created. I owe it to myself, and everyone I love, to make the right choices and do what I know needs to be done.

Dancing With Myself

2010-01-21T22:38:00.000-06:00

Talking to myself, more like.

You see, I've only fulfilled part of my accountability promise. A big part, but only part nonetheless. I've told my family about my goals. They understand, they support me, and honestly, they've been kicking my ass. Never, never get lazy in front of a mother that used to teach karate. You will suffer.

Jeff (my husband, for any of you who may someday read this and don't know) has been especially supportive. My exercise thus far has been walking, because truthfully, I'm not physically capable of much more right now. He's come on my walks with me, and made me keep up with his long-legged ass. He's told me how proud he is of what I'm doing, and the weight I've already lost.

Now, onto the hard part. They're mostly the only ones I've told. I've mentioned little things here and there, Tonya and I have discussed how we need to lose weight, and some things we can do to start, Rose picked up on my oatmeal and protein plate diet at work, and I've talked a little about it to Tommy, mostly thanks to his blog about his fitness goals.

That's all incidental, though. That first post I made? Everyone I know needs to see that. That is the truth, that is the plan, that is the life I'm living. Right now, though...it's still a secret. So far as I know, only one set of eyes has seen these words, and they're my own.

Why?

I could wax idiotic with a hundred reasons why I haven't shown this to anyone yet. There's one reason, though, that answers for all the others.

I'm scared. I'm always scared of what people will think. I picture myself posting a link to this blog on my Facebook, and then it starts. I imagine I can hear what people are thinking as they read what I've written..."194 pounds? And you're going to lose 69 pounds? Sure, chubs...dream on." "Who cares?"...I could go on. I won't, though. I can recognize this for what it is. My self esteem is lower than it has ever been, thanks largely (ha!) to my size. I constantly feel inferior to everyone around me, and see myself as the lowest point of any situation. I'm just Fatty Fatty Two-By-Four, Can't Fit Through a Revolving Door.

But that's okay. I'm not just working to lose something, I'm working to gain something. I'm working to find the person I lost all those years ago, who was confident, active and fun. I can't do that until I open up and let myself back into the world. Until I believe that I deserve it, it will not come. It's time to earn my life back.

If you can't love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else?!? Can I get a amen up in here?

So Far, So Good

2010-01-19T18:11:00.000-06:00

I'm two for two. Two days since my promise, two days of exercise.

The Time Has Come

2010-01-17T22:24:00.001-06:00

Hello, me. It's me again.

Been a long time, hasn't it? You and I have a long history, but even you could never guess what I'm about to do. Let me fill you in.

You see, I've been watching you. From that very first stumble, I've been here. I've watched you make all the mistakes that brought us here. I know it was rough losing that job, and it was easy to waste time before finding a new one. It was easy to take a simple job, one with much less physical demand than the one you lost.

That, my traveling companion, is where you took over, and tried to leave me behind. You hunted for the easiest ways to do things. You forgot what it was like to stretch and strain. You forgot how good honest sweat feels. You won't walk your lazy ass one single foot farther than you have to, unless the light at the end of the tunnel happens to be glinting off the sprinkles of a cupcake.

Here's the thing. I don't know why you decided that tasty was better than healthy. I don't know when you forgot how sweet and satisfying it could be to get out there and really move. I also no longer care.

I don't care what you want, tubby. You've turned us into a human pudding, and I'm here to tell you that your time is over. It is a damn shame to look in the mirror now, and see only the sad eyes of the person I was before you came.

I cast you out, usurper. We're about to do things my way.

There are five simple rules I will follow, without fail, to meet my goal.

1. Food is not the enemy.
To wit: Food is fuel for the body. Shunning foods, even those that are of questionable nutritional value, will only serve to make me want them more. Moderation is the key.

2. Exercise is not optional.
It is impossible to lose weight and develop a healthy body without exercise. I commit, right now, to a minimum of 15 minutes, per day, of moderate to heavy intensity physical activity. I will sweat, I will fall short of breath, and I will suffer aches and pains for awhile, and I will enjoy it. As I help my body re-learn how to move, I will increase my activity level.

3. I will hold myself accountable for my progress.
I'm not keeping this a secret. I want people to know what I'm doing. I know I can't trust myself enough yet to be accountable solely to myself. I will tell my family and friends about my goals, and I will accept any advice, criticisms and support I get. I will post to this blog at least once per week about my progress.

4. I will be honest with myself.
I've been lying to myself for too long. "I'm not that fat." "It's genetic. I'll slim down when I'm older, like other family members have." "It's not my fault." It is my fault. I've made the choices that have brought me to where I am today. I am the only one that can change this. I will admit when I have done wrong, and I will do better.

5. I will track my progress consistently, but not obsessively.
In order to reach any goal, you need to where you're starting from, and where you plan to end up. In between, you also need to check in to see if your methods are working. If so, continue. If not, adjust and improve. I will weigh myself once per week, and I will post those results here.

MY GOAL IS TO LOSE 69 POUNDS BY DECEMBER 31, 2010.

Today, I stand before you at 194 pounds. When the ball drops on New Years' Eve, I will weigh 125 pounds.