Letting Myself Down

Yup, I did. I've let myself down.

I don't think I need to really explain how...the date of my last post speaks for itself. You'll remember I was about to go back to the gym. I was over my cold, I was less worried about my wonky hip, I was ready. I went, too. Once.

Once, back in May. I honestly can't even remember what stopped me from going back the next day. Did I actually have a good reason (work, unbreakable engagement)? Did I think I deserved a day off, simply for getting back on the wagon? I just don't remember. But you know, I doubt there was a good reason. I'll bet I just got lazy again.

It's easy to be lazy, as I'm sure a lot of you know. In the end, though...the price of laziness is so high.

I've broken almost every rule I set for myself in the beginning. I shy away from conversations about exercise and weight loss, so no one can ask me about mine. I ran away from this blog, that I promised myself I would update at least once a week. I haven't been tracking my progress, because I haven't been making any.

Well, at least I'm being honest with myself again. I once said, "Until I believe that I deserve it, it will not come." Ain't that the truth. I guess, deep down inside where all this hurts so much, I'm not ready to have this yet.

Why? Why am I lazy? Why can't I work for what I want? Why WON'T I? What the hell is wrong with me? When it hurts this much to do nothing, why can't I do SOMETHING?

Why can't I do this?