195

Yup, an even 195 this morning.  I've been trying to eat well, and I'm doing a pretty good job keeping the soda monster at bay.  Now that I'm getting back into a gym routine, I'll be able to up the intensity this week, and hopefully that will translate into some more pounds gone.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

196.8 this morning, down from 198.8 (as I forgot to mention in my previous post).  Water weight?  Totally.  Still, I'll take it.  Every time that number goes down, it's a little spark of motivation to make it go down again.

So far today, I've had a cup of oatmeal with a 2 tsp. of brown sugar.  I work at 1 this afternoon, so I've got plenty of time to get to the gym before that.  I don't have an lunch plans, since I'll be at work and not all that hungry, but I'm going to have to think up some dinner when I get home from work.

Be safe out there today!

The view's pretty nice up here...

...since I'm back in the saddle again!

Yup, hit the gym today, planning three more days, then day of rest on Monday. I've had ONE Pepsi today, and water is the beverage of choice the rest of the night.

I'm not perfect. I didn't hit my original goal. Too bad, so sad.

Not gonna cry over it this time. I'm just getting back on the horse.

197.8

Yup. 197.8 is my current weight. I've regained almost half of what I lost. Am I mad at myself? Hell yes, I'm mad. There's no one here to blame but me. I got lazy, stopped going to the gym, stayed lazy, stayed away from the gym.

I went back today, finally. 1.5 miles on the treadmill at a speed of 3.0, incline of 2.0, and 1.5 miles on the elliptical. I'm going to hurt in the morning.

It's not enough, nowhere near enough, but I started. Now I just have to keep going.

No more giving up on myself. I'M NOT HOPELESS.

Letting Myself Down

Yup, I did. I've let myself down.

I don't think I need to really explain how...the date of my last post speaks for itself. You'll remember I was about to go back to the gym. I was over my cold, I was less worried about my wonky hip, I was ready. I went, too. Once.

Once, back in May. I honestly can't even remember what stopped me from going back the next day. Did I actually have a good reason (work, unbreakable engagement)? Did I think I deserved a day off, simply for getting back on the wagon? I just don't remember. But you know, I doubt there was a good reason. I'll bet I just got lazy again.

It's easy to be lazy, as I'm sure a lot of you know. In the end, though...the price of laziness is so high.

I've broken almost every rule I set for myself in the beginning. I shy away from conversations about exercise and weight loss, so no one can ask me about mine. I ran away from this blog, that I promised myself I would update at least once a week. I haven't been tracking my progress, because I haven't been making any.

Well, at least I'm being honest with myself again. I once said, "Until I believe that I deserve it, it will not come." Ain't that the truth. I guess, deep down inside where all this hurts so much, I'm not ready to have this yet.

Why? Why am I lazy? Why can't I work for what I want? Why WON'T I? What the hell is wrong with me? When it hurts this much to do nothing, why can't I do SOMETHING?

Why can't I do this?

On Setbacks and Such

This place looks vaguely familiar...like I've been here before...?

So, I fell off the face of the earth for awhile, it would seem. You all remember the monster cold I had, which seemed like it was never going away. Turns out, the last two weeks I was complaining about were the result of allergies. Apparently you can develop them as you get older, isn't that lovely?

Once that was figured out, that's when my hip went south on me. It's been an ongoing problem for a few years now. Every so often, I'll try to take a step, and my right hip will feel like it's about to pop out of the socket. It never does, but it's an exceptionally painful feeling. After that happens, I spend the rest of the day feeling like the joint is full of rusty nails. This last time was one of the worst, because it kept happening, and I was in this pain for over two weeks.

The mistake I made was letting it stop me. "How can I use an elliptical like this?" "What happens if it 'goes out' while I'm running on the treadmill?" I don't know the answers to those questions, because I didn't even try to find out. I nursed my wounds, folded up my gym clothes and waited. Waited for the pain to stop.

Here's the funny thing about that. You've all heard the expression "no pain, no gain", right? Seems I forgot that one. Maybe, instead of moping and hurting, I should have been out there, working through the pain, trying to take off some more of the weight that's aggravating the joint, hm? We're talking Body 101 here. Excess weight is a leading cause of joint pain. I didn't have this hip problem back at 125 pounds. I have it now, at 188. How is it that something so simple, so crystal clear, was beyond me?

Well, no more. Tomorrow, at 11:30am, my ass is going to be in the gym. I'm going to pay for this month off, too. I'm going to pay for letting myself off easy. Most of all, I'm going to pay for thinking that it would be okay to take the time off. This is my LIFE, goddamnit, and I owe it to myself to be the person I want to be.

On the upside? Maintenance, baby! I'm still at 188 pounds.

Maybe all isn't lost after all...

Still here, really!

Yup, I'm still kicking. That cold I mentioned? It's *still* not totally gone. I'm desperate to go back to the gym, but I can't keep my nose from running! I'm trying to devise a way to smuggle kleenex with me on the treadmill, but I can't figure out what I'd do with the used ones!

I'm hoping I can make it back on Friday. Wish me luck, because when I do get back, it's going to hurt, and plenty.